Just Another Fish

OK, so… I think this ‘celibacy’ thing has run its course; I don’t really feel that it’s applicable any more.

… as a feeling of anxious, helpless frustration. I’m not really feeling it now, much, but looking back I can’t remember a time when it hasn’t been there.

Nothing seems to make it go away for long. I wish I was one of those people who can throw themselves into their work, or something useful, and either ignore or remedy it that way. I’m not. That only helps for a little; it feels like holding back a tide. As Pete says, I’m too introverted. What does work — though, I imagine, also helps perpetuates the problem — is escapism. This is why I like games, books, films, sports and being silly so much: they are all activities I can completely absorb myself in, and forget everything else.

Unfortunately, everything else rarely gets better during these excursions!

Also discussed with Pete last night (though not recisely in these terms!)  is that I don’t tend to see obstacles as problems to be overcome, but as (here’s where I become more, um, florid) ironic monuments to futility.

This isn’t always true, of course, as like everybody else I am a different person depending on my mood (in fact, mental note: in the society of mind, is emotional state correlated — and if so, is there a bias in causal direction? — to which flotilla of subminds gain ascendancy? Everyone else please ignore that.) so it’s ludicrous to talk about my personality in such monolithic terms. I do, though, have a tendency to think this way, especially when it comes to whether I am capable of, or fit for, something.

One of the reasons I hate the idea of job interviews is not so much that I lack technique (though I do), but that I honeslty don’t feel I am the person they’d want, have the qualities they’re looking for, or the skills required. I think this also comes across when I’m trying to get a PhD, too.

So, yes, I have low self-esteem. Being aware of that doesn’t reall help though. Here’s a quote from Catch-22. Not entirely appropriate, but I like it so you’ll have to excuse me.

"They’re trying to kill me," Yossarian told him calmly.
"No one’s trying to kill you," Clevinger cried.
"Then why are they shooting at me?" Yossarian asked.
"They’re shooting at everyone," Clevinger answered. "They’re trying to kill everyone."
"And what difference does that make?"

I need a more radical solution than somehow accepting myself. I know, I know, you’re all wanting to tell me to start by taking positive steps to tackling problems 1-by-1, and I can see the reason and good in that… but it doesn’t feel like enough. After all, I’ll still be stuck being me. Damaged goods, possibly not fit for the task in the first place. It’s hard to convince myself I can be someone I don’t think I can be.

I wish I had money. I could afford a better class of angst.

Although, remember, I’m not in a bad mood right now. This has all been written rather dispassionately. Just the facts, ma’am….

Check emails (nothing)

Check blogs (nothing)

stare at fingers

repeat

I’m just waiting for something, anything, to happen. My mind is buzzing. Why won’t anything happen?

EDIT: Ah. Just looked at the bucket picture. Feel a lot better now.

So… I imagine that at least someone out there is wondering how it went.

Ta again to Miss Wint for putting me up!

Is what I’m typing this on. I should be getting to sleep. I’ve just started Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang on the DVD.

Could be worse.

I could be downloading PokerStars software.

(I’m not!)     

Last night’s Ceilidh was great, and anyone who missed it should cry a little.

There were quite a few nice girls there (who all seemed to be about 20….), so I’m thankful I downgraded my thingy so that I am at complete liberty to find them attractive. I showed lots of people my walrus pic, which produced a 2:1 response of hilarity to confusion.

I just noticed while looking in the mirror at work that I have a large wriggly vein running up either side of my forehead. It’s a bit freaky, but the cheap-alien-from-Star-Trek effect makes it worth it. It’ll probably not be goo dof rmy Poker live game, though!

Anyway, I’m about to go and get a train to London. Here’s hoping it goes well….!

For the last couple of weeks I have been accessing people’s blogs through Google Reader (which is available through Firefox or through Google Labs), which lets me know as soon as  they’ve been updated. If it has seemed like I’m stalking you, this is why. If it hasn’t, you’re obviously just very dull.

Wish you could see/write comments with it, though.

This "celibacy" things has been intertesting so far, though I do have to keep reminding myself of it every damned time I see a pretty girl…. Yes, it does seem somewhat meaningless at times but I’ll stick it through for a bit.

Poker’s been going better again. I generally multitable 4 games at a time, and I do a lot better when I’m tight and cautious (at least at the beginning), because even with solid play, aggression gives you too many chances to go busto. Last night’s round of 4 $5.50 STTs (yes, they’re cheap but they’re so very beatable) went as follows:

9 seat: 3rd ($9)

18 seat: 1st ($36)

27 seat: 14th (out on an open-ended straight and flush draw)

45 seat: 4th ($28.12. Chip-leader had lots of chips so rest of us fairly short-stacked. pushed A7 and was called by 55 which held up)

Which, I believe, makes a profit of $51.12. I likes. When my bankroll gets back over $300 I’ll start playing some real MTTs as I do so like to win huge amounts of money….

According to the questionnaire below, I haven’t made any big decisions this year. Well, this might count as one.

As music and dance phase of the MUGSS Xmas Ball started yesterday, I was sitting down feeling a little grumpy and down. It hadn’t been a great day for me; I’d missed the Set-building session I’d meant to get to as I stayed up till 5am playing poker and not doing great, then in the afternoon I’d played some more and done even worse. Losing at poker always annoys me, but lately I seem to have fallen back into a rather cash-strapped time again, so losing money at something I’m hoping to be getting a nice little financial bonus from is not wonderful. Anyway, all of a sudden, I had gone from having lots of time to being pretty-much already late, so I hurried off to the Ball. Now, I’d underestimated how far away Bridge Street was, and when I got there I walked past the Freemason’s Hall and carried on for 10 minutes before having to call people up for directions. When I finally arrived, I was not in the best of moods.

As I said, I was sitting down all full of generally negative feelings, when something I’ve often thought of half-jokingly suddenly seemed like a great idea:

Official Celibacy.

Well, why not? I know Pete and Mahinda think it’s basically a stupid idea, but I don’t. When I decided upon it, I sat there grinning to myself, feeling relaxed and rather fey.

I’ve been into girls since I was 4, so 23 years of my life have, in all honestly, revolved around them. And for what? Has anything positive come out of this? No. Not one thing. Anything negative? Oh yes. Oh, yes. It’s depressed me, it’s frustrated me, held me back and screwed me up. I now have so many neuroses about sex that I actually can’t think about it. It’s like trying to open a small present that’s wrapped in nettles. Lots of nettles. Which, of course, hasn’t stopped me getting crushes on girls. You may wonder, if I can’t think about sex, what my crushes actually consist of. So do I. They’re just an unanchored longing for… intimacy, I suppose. Try to consider anything more than that and whatever camera feed my imagination is using just cuts out.

Of course, celibacy wouldn’t change anything on an operational level. It’s not a decision to stop having sex (though I might stop… solo activities for a while. I did that 2 years ago and lasted 40 days), but to stop wasting mental time and energy on the whole thing.

This isn’t a vow. It’s just right, here and now. Indeed, if it works then it will cease to be necessary. I have issues, and I think this may clear them up. With these shackles, I might obtain freedom.

It’s amazing just how much of what one does really comes down to sex. A great deal of social activity is just a clumsy dance to ridiculous music. And really, the ends do not justify it even for normal people. The whole thing is rather ridiculous, and people lose sight of what’s important and end up hurting themselves and each other just for the sake of satisfying a few arbitrary hormones.

Sexual attraction is a joke. Not a nice one, either. We all know that what attracts you to someone should be personality, not looks. But that’s not the case, is it? There’s a meaningless, quasi-ordered hierarchy of attractiveness that surely renders many of those at either ends of the scale cynics about the whole thing. I’m used to fancying people who have no interest in me (and I can’t blame that on looks alone; my personality is somewhere low-down on its particular scale too, I think), and I expect that. There do seem to be a small subset of people who are attracted to me, and what makes me want to laugh/cry (perhaps the most profound emotion I know of) is that these are exclusively people I do not fancy and can’t make myself fancy. Very funny. The whole play is cruel and absurd (oh, sure, there are participants who are having a whale of a time rubbing parts of their bodies together, but how the hell can such a ridiculous act lay claim to real importance or be worth the pain it causes?), so I think I shall not be going to the theatre for a while.

I have other things to do. Well… I can finally grow up and get other things to do. I think I might start by tidying my room.

Shelves. I really need shelves. And what the hell is this sofa doing in my room? Seriously.

1. Overall, have you had a good year?
Not really. Getting properly involved in MUGSS is about the only highlight I can think of right now. I’ll come back and edit this if I think of anything! — OK, so it’s not been too bad, but it’s been more of the same which is not really good.

2. What has been your biggest achievement?
Winning £500 in an online poker tournie? Although right now I hate poker as I’ve just had a bunch of games that went badly. This also possibly accounts for my mood as I fill this out.

3.  Did you take any exams, Pass?
n/a

4. Have you had your birthday yet? What did you do?
That was ages ago in June. I can’t remember what happened. I think it was a hockey day.

5. Have you been on Holiday? Gone away anywhere?
Nope. Can’t afford anything. Am going on one with Padi and CJ next year. Not sure how I’m going to afford it!

6. Have you had a job?
If you can call it that.

7. Have you bought anything expensive?
Are you kidding?

8. Made any big decisions?
What are they?

9. Lost a friend or loved one?
Squiz went to Thailand. Does that count?

10. Met anyone amazing?
Nope. Well… no. Have become closer to some people who are alright, I suppose ;)

11. Made new friends?
Yeah, MUGSS type people

12. Moved house?
Unfortunately for Pete, no.

13. Tried something new?
Artichokes. No, not really…. oh, well, except for singing and dancing.

14. Made any enemies?
I don’t have enemies, merely people whom I annoy too much for them to tolerate me easily.

15. What music will you remember from this year?
Can’t say Arcade Fire as that’s last year. Um. Um. Can’t think of anything really special.

16. What movies have you seen at the cinema this year?
Lots. They were… OK.

17. What was your best night out?
Any party that lasts until the next day is good. That means Jen’s birthday and Utopia’s end of show ones.

18. What was your worst night out? 
Thankfully, I don’t remember.

19. Best Day?
If I get the PhD next week that will be it. Probably the day I won that poker tournament.

20. Worst Day?
The days after I found I didn’t get any of the PhDs I was after. Too depressing to think about, so if it happens again…. mustn’t think about that!

21. Was summer a gooden’?
Yeah, it was alright. Lots of hockey which I always love.

22. How many people have you kissed in the year of 2006?
Hmmm. Not going to need a recount on this. I’m fairly sure it was none.

23. Did you fall in love?
The usual round of crushes.

24. Did you have your heart broken?
The usual round of crushes….

25. Made any plans for next year?
Get PhD, not mess-up The Mikado, start being vaguely responsible, become a real boy.
If I don’t get the PhD, I’ll either have to get a proper job (which, to be honest, I do not believe I can do), or try for one in September. Again. Again. Aargh.

26. Changed your image?
I think people think I’m a strange, excitable little weirdo… so, no.

27. Missed anyone?
Yeah, Squiz a bit. But I’m funny with time; I can not see people for years and it still seems like yesterday.

28. Know what you want in the future?
A life!

29. Regret anything? 
Everything.

30. Who has been your best friend through 2006?
That’d be Pete, I think, though there are lots of people who have kindly tried to help me out so I’m thinking of you lot too.

No, I haven’t got the PhD… yet.

I’ve got an interview on Friday the 15th. Expenses cannot be claimed back as the UEA are clearly cheap buggers. I shall stay over London on Thursday night at Linden’s house (thanks, Linden!) and will get back to Manchester at 1am on Saturday morning.

This had better be worth it, especially as I still don’t know whether they’ve obtained funding for me.

Not much else to report, sorry. Am still trying really hard to get in shape in some kind of weird pride/vanity/embarrassment mix. Have decided to give up on L although it seems that most of me doesn’t take orders from whichever part made that decision. It seems that all my goals in life are fuzzy, inchoate (I really like that word!) things that I am incapable of formulating clearly, acting upon or giving up.

I’ve also decided that you people don’t leave comments enough. I get bored so very easily, eh? C’mon!

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