Tarts Party
The most important MUGSS party of the year finally happened, and for once I attended. After not being able to come up with an idea for ages, and thinking I was more broke than I was and hence unable to buy anything, I was getting pretty worried. After all, I have a reputation to uphold here - I do fancy dress well!
Well, the day before I thought of a concept. And on the morning I realised I had at least a little bit of money to spend on it.
I went as a dog.
Woof.
Apparently I "outdid myself", so I think it worked.
The party itself was great, hosted by Sam & Charlotte in their nice city centre flat.There was the odd moment of debauchery — not involving me, of course — and a rather impressive display of costumes. Special mentions must go to Michael Sparks (very good) and Dan (oh my eyes). It’s a pity it ended at 2am, rather shocking for a MUGSS party but everyone just seemed to go home at ridiculously early hours. Fortunate in a way, though, as I’d drunk a 35cl bottle of rum (neat) plus some punch and finally began to feel drunk on the way home. By the time I got off the bus I was staggering, and after about 10 minutes of sleep I woke up, body a’trembling, and realised I was going to have to be somewhat sick. The only question was whether I could calm my distraught belly down enough to get to to the toilet first. (I was)
I’ve not got used to drinking spirits yet, I would say.
So, today I felt fine, though a little disoriented. Made a nice pork roast for myself, Pete & Sarah before catching the end of the Four In Hand pub quiz with them, Mahinda, Jenny and some randoms. We won.
Now… now, I want to talk about those icky little things I call feelings. Sorry. Not sure what I want to say, really, only that I feel the need to talk about them!
I have to question my motivation here. I suspect that I post/tell people stuff like this is that, by bringing it all into the world, something might happen. I’m obviously incapable of effecting change myself; other people, directly or not, at least can make something happen. Though they generally don’t….
Anyway, I’ve got to stop having what I think of as "spectator syndrome." I always feel like I’m on the fringe of social activity, not so much unable to take part but as if it’s not for me to do so. Perhaps that’s why when I’m being outgoing I’m so aggressively… random. Ah, I don’t know.
Really feeling the lack of a crush… or, here’s a new word I learnt today courtesy of Gillian K’s blog, limerance. I know that they aren’t healthy, but I feel so bored and frustrated without one. Life’s much more colourful, exciting and real when I have someone to think about.
Even though I’m pretty much over L, I still feel a certain… well, I suppose if I analyse it (I had been thinking about it as a sort of mental toothache), it’s a sad anger (at myself!) about it all. The worst thing is that we are both now clearly uncomfortable in each other’s presence (precisely one of the reasons I didn’t try to do anything in the end was to avoid this possibility, and well, so it goes). I would just like to clear it up… it should be so easy, and yet all we do is avoid each other’s eyes and company. For no good reason. To tell the truth, this does not make me a happy bunny. It is this sort of meaningless, absurd inaction and snafu that seems to define my life.
I still feel the urge to write more, and still don’t know what to say. I should go to bed, and instead I’m looking at this post and hoping the next thing I type will change my life.
It’s not what you write, it’s what you do.
Comment by hoose — March 12, 2007, 5:55 pm @ 5:55 pm
But I don’t do!
I keep making resolutions to do something, but they never amount to anything.
Comment by Rosy — March 12, 2007, 6:29 pm @ 6:29 pm
well stop talking about it and do it then. It really is as simple as that!
Comment by hoosemaranium. — March 13, 2007, 12:29 pm @ 12:29 pm
35cl?! And there I was thinking you meant a _proper_ bottle of the stuff. Amateur ;o)
As I’m sure I’ve opined before, the “on the outside looking in” thing is almost self-fulfilling — if you’re going to be aggressively random, all to often people are not going to include you in their conversations, just because they want to talk about something rather than going off into eighteen different subjects a minute. It’s fun for a minute or two, but then it just gets annoying. So, you end up being pushed out of the conversational circle…which probably makes you more aggressively random. The Four in Hand on Sunday was a case in point — the randoms (who weren’t really randoms) _really_ didn’t know what to make of you. And that’s not a good thing.
Comment by Mahinda — March 13, 2007, 5:07 pm @ 5:07 pm
Have you started moderating comments or something?
I’ve tried posting pretty much the same comment three times now (not this one, obviously), with no joy. I hope it doesn’t end up appearing three times!
Comment by Mahinda — March 13, 2007, 5:16 pm @ 5:16 pm
I’ve had problems posting too… But they were always timeouts for me…
Comment by hoosemaranium. — March 13, 2007, 6:06 pm @ 6:06 pm
Dunno what’s causing the problems./checks/ ah yeah, they were put in for moderation for some reason…
Comment by Rosy — March 13, 2007, 6:55 pm @ 6:55 pm
Anyway: telling me to do something differently is not that helpful. It’s like suggesting to someone who’s falling off a cliff that they try flying.
Comment by Rosy — March 13, 2007, 6:58 pm @ 6:58 pm
Piss poor analogy. Feeling awkward and hurtling to your death aren’t really comparable. Just calm down: it wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t so worried about it.
This:
“I always feel like I’m on the fringe of social activity, not so much unable to take part but as if it’s not for me to do so.”
sounds familiar to me. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to be sociable, and am happy to spectate. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to be sociable, but wish I was. Sometimes I am feeling sociable. The problem is that you feel it’s a big issue for you (wanting to be in a different mood), and so it becomes one. Just relax. You’re a good bloke, and don’t have to prove it all the time. Nor do you have to be the life and soul of the party all the time. You need to spend less time worrying about what ought to be happening and enjoy what is going on. You’ve got some good mates and there are plenty of people who care about you. Calm the fuck down.
And back to the record: get a better job. Things will look better when you’re not bored shitless the whole time.
Comment by Adrian — March 14, 2007, 10:16 am @ 10:16 am
Ha! Do I detect a hint of frustration, Adrian?!
Glad to see that, of the several versions of my comment that would have been held for moderation, one of the ones with the typo made it through. It’s not a good typo, either.
Comment by Mahinda — March 14, 2007, 2:02 pm @ 2:02 pm
It has been a bit of a week.
Comment by Adrian — March 14, 2007, 2:31 pm @ 2:31 pm